When I’m Fearful of Change, Remember

Did you feel this way too when you were growing thick with life?

I feel pregnant (emotionally, not physically, alas) and when I’m pregnant, I can’t breakthrough the poetry mind, creativity is elusive.  I feel stretched full and weary at the same time.

Our family is taking small steps toward the future and a move over the next six months and my mind is stuck in nesting gear.  I peruse Zillow and scan home decor pins on Pinterest, pinning virtually as if I can help pin into reality the amorphous future life of our family.

I’m joyful, bracing for the new adventure but grieving and feeling lonely even before it’s time.

I’m imagining the new farmer’s market and the drives into the country and the fly fishing, cool stream rushing past my legs.  But I’m lamenting the summer without the beach, without the bags full of blueberries and the full chair of a friend stuck in the sand next to me.

I’ve always wrestled with change.  I grieved my vocational freedom for six months before my oldest was born, feared the close proximity of the second and panicked when I had my third that I would be overwhelmed and overpowered and exhausted (which yes, yes and yes, of course I was, all of the above.)

But this time I’m deeply aware of God’s faithfulness.  I’ve been reading Deuteronomy 8 and God’s call to remember, remember, remember.  Beth Moore has been teaching this scripture on Life Today and I feed off of her series like its manna.  Remember, Summer.  He led us here to South Haven, fed us, clothed us, gave us meaningful work and surrounded us with a glorious community.  And He humbled me and taught me and healed me into a new Summer.

I am a jumble of blessed and thankful and fearful but always remembering: God is good, I can trust Him and if He’s leading, I want to become a child, slip my hand in His, walk brushing up against His legs…and not let go.

And you friend, when you are fearful of change, where does your focus wander to?

I’m linking with the vulnerable and raw and wise emily wierenga here where Holly Grantham is hosting, sharing about brokenness being a portal. Could it be that brokenness breaks open our humility and where the humble are found, there is God?  And yes, friend, I agree.


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